Giving you the most of me
“I had the best day with you, baby.”
No sooner did the words leave my mouth, tears immediately pour from eyes, silently running down my cheeks, mirroring the pouring rain outside the car. Glancing up at your heavy eyes in my rearview mirror, I watch as your tiny body finally gives in to the fatigue you had been fighting that afternoon at the aquarium. And the lump that had been stuck in my throat all day gave way to a flood of emotion now that we were both sitting still.
Today you are two years old, my love.
Two years ago, you made your way into the world with the same speed and intensity that have characterized every waking moment of our lives ever since!
Two years since you made me a mommy.
Two years of interrupted sleep, cold cups of coffee, and of learning — often the hard way. Two years discovering a kind of joy I never knew was possible. (Turns out, all the clichés are true.)
Two years spent redefining my very existence.
In the days and weeks leading up to your second birthday, waves of emotion washed over me unexpectedly as I contemplated how big you are getting and how privileged I feel to watch you grow. The nearly bald baby I once effortlessly strapped to my chest now has a mop of unruly blonde hair and long, gangly legs that love to run FAST.
I don’t want you to stay a baby forever, but I do wish you could stay this innocent, carefree and silly as long as possible. My wild little monkey who roars like a dinosaur. Who demands UP! when you’re tired and want to be held while I attempt to cook dinner and simultaneously balance you on my hip.
Your laughter is the best sound I’ve ever heard.
As the waves of sadness continued to crash during quiet moments leading up to your special day, I realized that something else was going on beneath the surface. Sure enough, familiar pangs of grief returned as I reflected on the many birthdays I celebrated with my parents, grandparents and brother growing up.
I was born on my grandfather’s 50th birthday and we shared 32 celebrations of life together before he passed while I was pregnant with you. He was proud to be my biggest fan and unapologetically cheered me on at every stage of life. I still can’t think about him without my heart breaking a little more each time. I hope someday it gets easier.
My mom, on the other hand, had trouble expressing her love in the ways I would have liked to receive it, but she sure knew how to make me feel special on my birthday. She would spend weeks, if not months, meticulously planning extravagant parties. She enlisted my grandmother, her mom, to bake and decorate beautiful cakes with a different theme each year. I still remember the one shaped like a basket containing three dimensional cats made out of frosting — a real innovation for the 90s! Together, they formed the birthday dream team and created memories that will last a lifetime for me.
All three of them are gone today and I miss them desperately. Thinking about how special they made me feel on my birthday, my heart sank at the thought of letting you down. How could I possibly compete with months of planning and 3D cat cakes?! I am both gluten and lactose intolerant and can’t bake to save my life. I also have a very stressful, intense job that drains me of both time and creative energy. Even making homemade meals after work usually feels too overwhelming and you ate more processed baby meals in your first two years than I’d like to admit… I digress.
My main priority as a parent besides keeping you safe, is never letting you down. I am always going to show up to your school events, sports matches, concerts, whatever is important to you — I will be there. My love language is quality time, and let me tell you, baby, I sure do love the time I get to spend with you.
So on your birthday this year, I took the day off work and planned a full day of adventures for the two of us. It started with your very first haircut; I had been dreading cutting off your gorgeous baby curls, but if ever there were a moment to do it, today felt symbolic. My little baby, a baby no longer. You were so brave and neither one of us cried!
Then we went to a local café and had breakfast together where you made friends with the owner and an elderly woman sitting at the table next to us. Somehow you even convinced her to share her croissant with you! We both laughed and I know you really brightened her day.
After devouring your pain au chocolat (your favorite special treat) we then drove to the aquarium in Lausanne for the first time. You loved seeing the huge fish, crocodile and monkeys, and I loved discovering something new through your eyes. After a delicious lasagna lunch at the aquarium’s restaurant, we started driving back home. This is when the full weight of the day finally hit me.
In that moment, I realized I didn’t need to make a fancy cake or spend months planning a party. I show you love in my own way, mostly through quality time we spend together. Taking the day off work was a priority for me — although not always easy to do — and nothing could have stood in the way of Adrien’s adventure day with mommy. Not for all the money in the world.
When all is said and done, I am of course grateful to my mom for the special birthday memories she created. But given the choice, I would have loved to have more of HER while she was alive. More time together, more shared laughs, more memories created doing things we loved — together.
I can’t get back any more time with her, but I do have my whole life ahead with you, my little love.
I hope we have so much time together, even though no amount of time will ever be enough.
I love you forever and ever, to the moon and back.
